Scriptural Help for Anger

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Chapter 2:   Dealing With Situations Which Could Make You Angry

Agreements About Anger

In the first chapter we talked about the anger response and about some ways Yahweh has provided of becoming resistant to rage. Next we will explore some ways to deal with situations which get you so mad you 'can't control yourself'. Yahshua has given us methods of help that will work for you. We'll look at why we must not stay angry and how to resolve problems instead of attacking others.

Don't let a problem go unresolved. There are several ways of resolving a problem - use one of them. Yahshua makes it clear that we do not really have the right to carry our anger with us for even one minute. "You have heard that it was said by them of old time, 'You shall not kill; and whoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment.' But I say to you, that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whoever shall say to his brother, 'Raca', shall be in danger of the council; but whoever shall say, 'You fool', shall be in danger of hell fire. Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has anything against you, leave your gift right there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift," Matthew 5:21-24.

KEEP THIS IN MIND: The goal is to RESOLVE the problem and then DROP IT FOREVER. Of course this can be hard to do. There are times we want to avoid talking about a problem but we feel we can't just drop it from our memory. That just won't do; Yahshua told us that keeping anger in our heart is not acceptable.

Tape this principle up on your mirror until you understand it, accept it, and begin to live it: I MUST RESOLVE PROBLEMS AND THEN DROP THEM FOREVER.  

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Many times the person hurting you does not want to hurt you. It may be someone who basically loves you. If he understood you were being hurt he would try to stop doing the thing that hurts.

Sometimes he 'wants' to hurt you just because he feels that something you are doing is intended to hurt him. That may be another misunderstanding or it may be that you feel you have a right to hurt him - another layer of hurting. The bottom line is that if you love one another, then you both want to stop all the reasons for hurting, get back to normal life and resume your good relationship. Here are some ways to do it.

In all cases COOL DOWN first. Be angry, but do not sin. Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still. Psalms 4:4.

We can't be expected to deal with ANY serious situation in the heat of passion. Say to the other person, "I want to be sure not to do something wrong because I'm upset. Please let me take a short time to cool down and collect my thoughts. We can talk about it again in twenty minutes [or some other specific time]." Usually this will be acceptable. Even if it is not accepted you must still avoid dealing with a problem in a state of agitation. That would not be fair to either person.

Another key to unlocking difficult situations is remembering to GET THE FACTS before you act. Don't we feel foolish when we take action based on some wrong assumption? Don't let that happen again. Play it cool until you KNOW the facts. Look for hidden facts too. A person may certainly have done something which hurts you but the reason for his action may be outside of his control. In today's world it sometimes seems surprising that anyone can be pleasant and nice. I can send you a list of twenty-eight general factors which could cause a person to give a FALSE impression of trying to hurt others. For each one of these general factors there are many specific reasons. Most times we should be following Yahshua's example and praying for those who hurt us. They don't really mean to.

Good parents know that they must be sure of the facts and they make it their rule never to discipline their children while angry. The risks are too great.

The subject of parenting brings us to a specific topic of anger; 'What do I do when the baby won't stop crying?' That's how we may ask the question when we're calm; but when the baby has been screaming for a while the question is phrased with stronger words.

What a challenge it is to have a crying baby! Remember to first calm down, pray for the baby and the mother, and then get the facts. It may take a lot of searching to discover the facts for a baby who can't talk enough to help the process. You may want to ask some experienced mothers to help you find the problem. I don't know the answer for your baby's problem. Some we figure out, from others we just learn patience. You can be sure that for any cranky, unhappy or mis-behaving baby much of the answer is LOTS of love and the best care we know how to give. There may be a time to let the baby cry for a while, but there is never a time to withdraw your love from your child.

As our children grow, it seems that both the joys and the problems grow with them. Toddlers somehow grow through childhood into complex young people who, like certain birds, seem to require almost their weight in food every day. Just as the growing minds can become a delight of fresh conversation, teens can also turn awry in creative or peer- mimicking ways. Once again; use prayer, be cool, and be sure of ALL the facts. Because we have a responsibility as parents to guide our children, we need to deal with a hurt inflicted by our children in a special way. For a mis-behaving child or youth the answer is still lots of love but also with firmness. You fathers, don't be a cause of your children's wrath [lest they be discouraged, Colosians 3:21]: but bring them up with the care and teaching of Yahweh, Ephesians 6:4. Don't stop praying for your children and grandchildren, and don't be too surprised when those troublesome teens become responsible, caring adults; we've seen it happen many times. When children are grown up and have moved away, parents still have a duty to provide a good example, teach and guide their children in the right ways.

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Now we come to those whom the Scriptures call our brother [someone in Yahweh's Assembly] or our neighbor. Remember the principles we've already seen. Pray about it, cool down, and get the facts first.

Don't neglect to find the real BLESSING of forgiving someone. The first and the best way to resolve most problems is to overlook the hurt if you can. "Forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors," Matthew 6:12 (also read down to verse 15). Try to imitate Yahweh. Yahweh is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy, Psalms 145:8. But He, being full of compassion, forgave their iniquity, and did not destroy them. Yes, many a time He turned His anger away, and did not stir up all His wrath, Psalms 78:38. You should also consider that the person you think is responsible may not actually be at fault. If it is your child who makes you angry you may be almost sure that the fault is your own! Think about it. He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city, Proverbs 16:32. The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression, Proverbs 19:11. Carrying those old hurts around with you really slows you down. Drop them now and be free of the burden! The forgiving person is truly blessed. When anger seems to be taking a lot of your attention and even controlling you, review these thoughts about forgiveness. It can put you back into control over yourself. Forgiving is the best way to resolve a problem; best for you.

There are some hurts which still don't seem to go away. The answer is not to pretend to forgive if you can't REALLY forget it. If there is a serious problem or a repeating problem you have to settle it. Remember the principle: I MUST RESOLVE PROBLEMS AND THEN DROP THEM FOREVER. The wisdom of Solomon includes: "Open rebuke is better than love carefully concealed. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful," Proverbs 27:5-6. Don't be an enemy, concealing the problems behind a screen of fake friendliness! Use the method Yahshua prescribed in Matthew 18:15-18. Go to him/her and resolve it together. When you do, here are some suggestions to use as you talk. Use them to guide YOUR OWN ATTITUDE, not as a weapon against her:

1. Bring Yahweh with you. Your peacemaking discussion will be much more fruitful if you can open it with a joint request for Yahweh to join and help you.

2. Focus on a solution rather than on the anger or rage. That is past. It seems hard to believe sometimes, but only the future really matters. Where we've been is important only because it has brought us to where we are now. Where we will be tomorrow depends upon what we do starting from now on.

3. Be open minded and loving. You may want to begin with a small gift or a kind word to show that you are, indeed, coming in love, Proverbs 21:14. Don't be concerned that this will be misinterpreted, people (even children) naturally DO understand. The love will help get the problem solved.

4. Be eager to compromise but don't grovel. Don't call the job done if the 'solution' leaves you continuing to feel hurt. We'll talk more about this in the next chapter.

5. Think of and express the source of your anger as a wish or desire rather than as something he SHOULD do. Say, "I'd be happier if you wouldn't . . ." or "I would feel good if you . . ."

6. Recognize that there are very few problems between two people where one person is wrong and the other is 100% pure and innocent. Search your own attitudes and then lovingly and sincerely admit your own part of the problem.

7. Warmly accept a sincere apology if offered 70 X 7 times. In other words - don't bother to count. (If you are the offending person you should realize that an apology is only the beginning of making things right. You can't just talk your way out of a problem that you behaved yourself into.)

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Enter the conversation with confidence that you will find a solution. Usually you will. The more you practice, the better success you will have. If, after several attempts, personal talks do leave you with the problem as bad as before, then invite a friend or two whom you both respect to help in the discussions, Matthew 18:16. Approach this new discussion with the idea that there must have been some key you missed when you tried working it out yourselves.

If you still can't agree on a solution then ask the Elders of your congregation to help you to re- establish a loving relationship. They can apply Yahweh's word well, they have experience in helping people solve problems and they will pray with you and pray for you - that can help a lot. The Elders also have the responsibility of deciding whether you should break off relations with the person. This is the procedure commanded by the Messiah. Like all the other things He told us to do; it's good for us and it works.

If you love someone and are close to them daily you should talk together about how to handle feelings of anger which are sure to arise. You might want to consider an agreement like this one which has helped some others to get along better.

  AGREEMENTS ABOUT ANGER  

1. If I feel like I'm being hurt in any way that could make me angry toward you I promise to tell you as soon as we are alone together - before it gets out of hand.

2. When I get angry at you for any reason I promise never to attack you. I won't blame you, criticize you, or try to hurt you in any other way. I'll let you know it's important and just tell you what I desire or wish you would do or not do.

3. If one of us is hurt by the other in any way, we promise to work TOGETHER to eliminate or at least minimize the hurt. We'll look upon such occasions as a good opportunity for expressing our love.

Remember, we, as followers of Yahshua, are not permitted to harbor anger. The goal is to resolve problems and then drop them forever. Can you keep anger in your relationship if you kneel down together and ask Yahweh to be with you as the third party in your discussion and open your minds to each other so that understanding and love can grow? What do you think? A soft answer turns away wrath; but a grievous word stirs up anger. Proverbs 15:1