Scriptural Help for Anger

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3

Chapter 3:  Using Love to Solve Problems

THINK WIN-WIN | AIM FIRST TO UNDERSTAND - THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD

In the previous chapters we learned that anger is not permitted to believers, it's "against our religion."

Next we will look at how believers use love to not only solve problems but also to gain even more benefits.

To solve the problems we all have, Yahshua has given us good help. He saves us from problems every day in this way as well as giving us eternal salvation. Now we'll look at some great benefits of using love to solve and avoid problems with others.

Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of Yahweh; and every one who loves has been begotten of Yahweh, and knows Him. He who does not love does not know Yahweh; for Yahweh is love. The love of Yahweh toward us was shown in this, Yahweh sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him.

There is love in this, not that we loved Yahweh, but that He loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if Yahweh loved us like that, we ought also to love one another. . . .

We love because he first loved us. If a man says, 'I love Yahweh,' and hates his brother, he is a liar: for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, cannot love Yahweh, whom he has not seen. We also have this as a commandment from him, that he who loves Yahweh must love his brother also. 1 John 4:7-11, 19-21.

There are two basic principles which we use to avoid and solve problems between people. They can be summarized as loving and listening. Here are the details:
 

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THINK WIN-WIN

'WIN-WIN' is a short way of saying that we work things out so that each of the people involved in a situation wins; nobody loses. You win, I win.

You could say this is not using love to solve a problem; it's just good sense. On the other hand the WIN-WIN principle may be just another way of saying "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

If I approach a situation with the idea "I'm going to get what I want and the other person can look out for himself." then I cheat myself. How? Because I can't keep doing that to someone without hurting the relationship between us. Without strong personal relationships my life can become pointless, vain and empty. I also cannot nurture a few good relationships and deal arrogantly with most other people at the same time. I ought to deal consistently with all the people I meet.

On the other hand, it's not wise to arrange things so that I give to the point of hurting myself over a long period of time. In good, long term relationships BOTH parties win. Each gives to the other and receives more than they give. How is this possible? It's called synergy: when two or more work together they produce MORE than they could working separately. The extra bit, which can be quite large, can be used by both so that each gets more than he gave! However, when one person is taking too much, the synergy breaks down and both lose a great deal. Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falls; for he has not another to help him up. Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone? And if someone prevails against him, two can withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

One of the reasons for anger plays a good part in synergy if we remember to use it correctly. Often our anger is based on a difference between us. 'Difference' is even used as a well bred word for a fight, isn't it? We secure a blessing when we move on past anger to an appreciation of the differences. If the two people were identical (of course that's impossible) the synergy would not work. They would produce only about twice what each could produce alone. Synergy depends on the contribution two different people make to one another. They each supply something the other doesn't have. Often it's the KEY to getting through a hard spot which could have stopped the progress of one person working alone for a long time. It is what gives a good team that slight edge. Never compromise your own values or come too close to evil; but do embrace with enthusiasm the differences you find in others.

Any two people who come together can learn something from each other. The smartest rocket scientist can learn a great deal from a tiny baby who 'knows nothing.' If he's really good, maybe he can teach the baby something too.

Synergy is the proof of a good team. If there is a real, properly working team, the output will be higher than an ordinary group of people working side by side.

Find the pleasure in synergy. Find the value in those differences. Find the blessings in working together: Accomplishment, learning, and good fellowship are some of the blessings you will find.

Look at how good and pleasant it is for brothers to live together in unity, Psalms 133:1.

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AIM FIRST TO UNDERSTAND - THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD.

Understanding a person is the second great key to getting a problem solved. Try it soon - you'll see. Before you make your own point, make a concentrated effort to know exactly how the other person feels, what she thinks, what makes her feel that way, what would make her feel better, when she first had that impression, etc. Let her talk without interrupting except for questions. (That's a challenge, isn't it?) While you're trying to understand, don't make judgment statements on what you are being told. Just listen and understand the whole thing first. A time to explain what you want or think is right may come later. When you listen, it doesn't mean that you show approval for ideas which are wrong, just that you hear and understand them. When you think you have it, ask her if your impression of how she thinks or feels is accurate. If not - ask questions until you really do understand. This is a great gift to give to a person. It is a loving thing to do. It helps to solve problems. If you are a good enough listener you may even learn some things which will help you.

After you have given your total attention to the other person then you may try to briefly explain your position to them. Just think how much your approach will be improved, how much better you will be prepared to use the right words, how much more openly you will be received.

What would you think of a physician who heard the first general symptom, a pain in the stomach, and then immediately gave a prescription or suggested an operation? He that gives answer to a matter before he hears, it is a folly and a shame to him, Proverbs 18:13. Be wise - listen.

Work diligently to keep your relationships WIN-WIN, and always seek first to understand, it is the way of love.

To learn more about the principles covered in this chapter you may want to read the book "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" by Stephen R. Covey.

Be you therefore followers of Yahweh, as dear children; and walk in love, as the Messiah also has loved us, and has given himself for us; an offering and a sacrifice to Elohim for a sweet smelling savor, Ephesians 5:1-2.

May Yahweh bless your life with peace, love and joy as you follow His way. HalleluYah